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Consuming Mass Quantities

Land Shark
Posted May 21 2009 06:12 PM by Christian Hazel 
Filed under: Editorials, Fuuny Jeep Stories, Christian Hazel

With 2 boys and another on the way my wife was asking me how much food we're gonna be going through when the kids are teenagers.


Here's the deal. In a few short weeks I'm gonna have three boys. Their ages are spread about 2 years apart. While I wouldn't have it any other way, the realization hit me today that before I know it I'll have three teenage mouths to feed.

When I was in high school my mom used to call me "The Land Shark" 'cause it seemed like I could eat my weight - frequently. I started thinking about it and here's a normal eating schedule from my senior year in high school:

  • Breakfast at home: 2 bowls of Wheaties, bananas, toast
  • 3rd period study hall snack: bagel, juice, another bagel
  • Post-study hall snack: one or two peanutbutter & jelly sandwiches or turkey/ham sandwiches
  • Lunch: double helping of whatever gristle the school cafeteria was serving
  • Post-football practice snack: 10 Taco Bell tacos or maybe 6-10 McDonald's hamburgers
  • Dinner #1 at home with the family: full meal usually baked chicken, potatos, green beans; beef stew, etc
  • Dinner #2 at girlfriend's house with her family: full meal usually meatloaf, chicken,etc with all the trimmings
  • Before bed snack: ice cream, cake, or other sweet crap

That was pretty much every day. I weighed 165-175lbs had little-to-no body fat, and no, I didn't have a tapeworm. I still weigh the same as I did back then, but nowadays if I ate 1/10th of what I used to I think I'd simply drop dead.

Regardless, after some simple calculations at the grocery store today I've decided to forget about saving up for their college educations. It'll be all I can do to keep these monsters in eats.

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